I was going to call this post “My ‘Achilles Heel’ IS My Heel“. I keep looking for the punch line in a life that is, for all of us, bitter/sweet. But sometimes there’s real pathos.
I stop myself in mid-gallows-laughter. Because I like the ‘Taxi Dog’ life I’ve created for myself. Where everything can be overcome… … …some day, some day. Deep in my heart, I do believe.
Some day. But not this day. This day, I’m in real pain. Physical and emotional. First the physical.
During one of my many operations, I developed a bed-sore, a decubitus ulcer, on my heel, that pains me from time to time. This is that time!!
Watch me as I rationalize. It was really painful. I was being treated at the UCLA Pain Management Center where they know the difference between ‘real’ and ‘imagined’ pain. I was given Fentanyl [“…a potent synthetic opioid that is primarily used as an analgesic.”] and Oxycontin. I weaned myself off them. I Hate Being Dependent!! And FUCK YOU!!!!, if you try to change my mind.
But this hurts.
I can get this taken care by Medicare‘s itinerant podiatrist in two weeks. Cool. Two weeks.
I question myself constantly. One constant question is this: Am I being brave? Or just carrying a “brave cloak”, like Obi-Won Keno-be, with which he clouds men’s minds. Am I an old desert hermit, or a Jedi Knight? A grouchy old man, or a hero? A Taxi Dog, happy-go-lucky, happy-to-be- alive aphasic diarist, or a charlatan?
Tonight, I’m just an old, tired shepherd, looking for a place to sleep out of the rain.
My wife’s depression weighs on me. Funny to tell you this now, when its finally lessening… … …slightly. We grew up together from our teens. Now, in our late 60’s, I’m feeling more and more free… … to express myself, learn, meet people, dance with life. She also has worked, hard, at being a wife and mother, mediator, adviser, friend to all, even her enemies. Now, when she could be free, she binds herself with obligations and responsibilities. So determined is she in her social role, she refuses to unencumber herself… … …a yells at me for encouraging her exploration.
This too will pass. But for now… … …for now? How many tomorrows are missed in fear of our todays.
And my dear and bestest friend, Fish, at heaven’s door with his new-found lady friend from Switzerland [of all places], is over-analyzing all the “good” in his life… … …and souring his opportunity to be loved. Like him, and my wife, and probably myself, although its always difficult to see one’s “self”; we’re all trying to be the warrior in our lives. [Maybe , in my wife’s case, its Princess Leah.]
Its Monday, May 14, 2012, 12:16 AM, in my life, and that’s whats in my mind.
- Is There a Fentanyl Epidemic? (drvitelli.typepad.com)
- Fentanyl Patch Can Be Deadly to Children (fdarecalls.wordpress.com)
- New York destroyed by comics (womph.net)