I Should Care

Chet and Carol Baker as seen in the 1988 documentary Let's Get Lost

I’m too tired to edit, so you guys will have to take my APHASIA and blow it out your respective asses!

i’m going thru a new little dip in mood.  a  hiccup.   don’t know if yts a dip.  its 5:55 AM and I can’t sleep.  Uh-ho, little taxi, be careful.  my shrink says to me that i have pourous boumdaries…that i “attach very easily”.  notice she doesn’t say “Too Easily” but the implication is there.

“Fish” is yn extreme medical pain.  iyts hard to explain p[ain but once you’ve been there, you know how it is.   percidan, nerve blocks, gathering emotional/phsyical/spiritial/cramping/existialal/hopekessness-inducing, … if you’ve been there tou know.  if you haven’t you can’t imagibe in your wildest nightmares.  pain.  And there is nothing io can do other tham BE THERE for him.  Talk about heplessness.

Amd Tennis Bunnie, http://tenniebunnie.wordpress.com, in another kind of pain, so strong, so angry, so beautiful.  sometimes we make our own hells but more oftern, out hells are produced for us by cercumstances out of our control.

—–     —–     —–

I should care.


And   I   Do!

”]Cover of "Chet Baker - Let's Get Lost [Re...

(Could have been Amy Weibhouse.  There’s all-kinda-pains!)

—–      —–     —–

Even hpyo-manics feel pain, he said to himself,  sarcastically. I’ve been fylying high without drugs myself forever.  But I have to be careful.  There’s only so much running-of-ot-my-mouth I can do before I get overbearingly maudlin.  i;m playing u came out of a dream on pandodra radio so i can cry myself out of this mood.

Where was I?

oh, yeah.  We I can go back to sleep now.  its 7:12 AM.  And I have accomplissed what, exactly???  “Fish” still has to go to work.  With pian.  With percidan…which he hates morally , intellectually, spiritually.

And Tennis Bunnie.  Who ‘will’ defeat her pain with her enmourmus will!  Which, wehther she believes it or not, is also self-destructive.  Where Will she let herself go?  What can I do except watch.

AND WHAT ACOUT ME.  lIKE i’VE SAID before, I can write myself a mean paragraph.  The pen may be mighties than the sword, but my aphasic pen writes  loke THIS in the morning without any make-up.  Bruised and Ugly!

Hepllessness sucks.  for the heplleess helper, and the heplless heplee!

So  fuck all of you.  I’m going back to sleep!

Now pandoda is playing “When Your Lover Has Gone”!  Double Fuck You!!!

7:57 AM


10 thoughts on “I Should Care

    1. [big smile] !!!
      — and —
      [cautious handshake] ???

      You’ve been sooo angry and disappointed recently. I thought, “Err, lets be Be vewy vewy quiet. http://www.elmerfudd.us/elmer01.wav

      I like to write about my relationships with my friends [using pen names, of course]. Your outlook on life is so forthright…you’re so outrageously outspoken…your ‘voice’ is so unique, no one I know writes with such righteous indignation…. You’re like a beautiful tiger: but you could also bite my jugular in an instant!

      And now you’re using your name. Should you be using your “pen name”? Some people don’t care. And some people really, really care.

      You, girl; you were the one who always told me that things were always exactly as they were meant to be! I like it that way now. The way it is. You be The Tiger and I’ll be “Elmer Fudd”. Its not what most men aspire to, but… I LIKE being “vewy vewy quiet”.

      Keep writing if you can. I know you could. If you want to. And I’ll keep writing, too. We can be writers together.

  1. Maybe I’m just good at translating aphaisic (sp? LOL) to English. I doubt it. I hardly got snagged. The brain automatically compensates when reading text anyway. That’s what the experts say. I think it’s beautiful. I think it’s raw and real and gorgeous with it’s flaws.

    1. You understand. Cool! And my ‘instincts’ were right. “The brain automatically compensates when reading text.” That’s what I finally learned. But you know me. I have my own way of saying it. I think no one pays attention. Everyone is so concerned with the impression that they themselves are making that they don’t listen to what you’re saying anyway!

      Anyway, anyway, [i’m making my grammar as i go along], the mistakes and the misspellings are exact replicas of my mind in the moment. And I wouldn’t lose them for the whole world.


      1. You’re right, absolutely right. Everyone is too worried about what is attached to their own screen name to bother noticing. And I see it in my own writing too. I am not nearly as composed and collected as this. If I were to write as I speak, there would be too many swears. Most of it would be incoherent from all of the sidebars that emerge. Something fires me up, and I’m off like a firecracker.

        It’s unusual for me to show that kind of rage here. But, it exists. I’ve been playing around with a rant post for awhile, just to expose that side of me.

      2. I just realized…who are you? Lulu or Luna. Or both? Or either. Or neither? http://montypython.joolsc.net/downloads/sounds/CONFUSED.WAV

        Once I learned how to write again, I decided to just let it all hang out. With all due humility, I write well. But the EFFORT…you know about effort…is exhausting. Sometimes you, anyone, needs to censor me and tat’s okay. I don’t take it personally; any more.

        I live to write another day.


        Man, do I love the exclamatory sentence!

      3. Lulu or Luna. Whichever. Both are fine. When I refer to myself in my real life, I usually use Em. But that’s not here. I’m Lulu, Luna, Lunasunshine, any of those here.

      4. I’m reminded of Auntie Em of WoOz fame. A good, solid old-soul of a name. When I was about 35 years old, I changed my lackluster name to an old biblical name [NOT Jedediah, thank god] and took it as a totem of my life’s existential work. My kids call me DAD so THAT didn’t matter. My wife calls me various names…some of then non-pronounceable depending on her mood…. She never calls me “Late for Dinner” ’cause she never MAKES dinner any more. Such are the pangs of retirement!

      5. My real name is not really lackluster as much as it isn’t fitting. It represents something in popular culture that I am not. Mostly, Em – an initial in my name. That works for me.

        And then, there’s Lulu. Lulu is not as much of an internet persona as she is representative of my mind itself. All of the things I don’t dare say out loud. I think she is truer to me than Em will ever be.

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