a few days before thanksgiving, i initiated a stupid argument with my wife. an embarrassment. i’m concerned that it is necessary to a acknowledge a decline in my mood. i heard myself making a Queegian command. “I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?”
i had been napping in the late afternoon. late afternoon naps are a luxury i’ve learned to enjoy. its not a natural thing for me to do. i’m always “up”. until i crash.
as i said, it was in the evening by now and i love to watch Jeopardy. i’m looking forward to it. but i over slept. dancing with the stars is over. i’ve been out for four hours. okay. no big deal.
but no! i go ballistic. with wheelchair on high speed, i charge in the room, screaming st my wife, You didn’t wake me up! You didn’t wake me up! As if i were her responsibility to do that.
As if that weren’t enough, i unleashed a set of epithets that were unnecessary at best and hurtful at worst. well, thank God, she knows enough to avoid the trap laid before her.
we didn’t talk for a day and a half after that. in our younger days the cold shoulder could last a week. i know it takes two to argue, but i also know how wound. for her emotional safety, at times in the past, her physical safety, its best not to fuck with me.
but i thought those days were past me now. Well, like Jack Nicholson said, Here’s Johnnie! looking back, i had THAT look in my eye.
I knew immed…., no, not immediately. it was over an hour that i was prancing around like that. and like i said my history precedes me…she was wise to leave. which is what she did. to the other room. in the past… … …always in the past… … …i would follow her, taunting her. i’m embarrassed to say that, at times, we fought with knives. i like say, i could have been in jail, or worse. this time, at least i didn’t make things worse. but i expect more from myself.
i thought i had learned. i think i should have….? What?
Fish says, “you’re bipolar, remember. its what we do” Well Duh!! but somethings have consequences. the game is called “Truth OR Consequences”. in fact, its should be Truth AND Consequences. thing happen with knives that people don’t expect. tell that to a jury!
When i get into this guilt cycle, that when i get way, way down. Shame, embarrassment, take over. as they should.
as a result, i’m being vewwy, vewwy qwiet. as Elmer says. what will happen next. Shame is my trigger. clumsy is my middle name. and my first name is oaf.
i’m outspoken now, in the past i was soft spoken. afraid. i’ve over come that now. now i can curse like a sailor. i can regale you with Shakespearean epithets. but inside is the scared little boy.
once, in high school, i was to make an oral report about my parents. in front of the entire i exclaimed, “my parents are really a nice couple guys.”. it’s 50 years and i can still hear the laughter.
clumsy, clumsy, clumsy. i don’t want to go down the tubes over something silly like that.