Thinking about last night, I should have known a little sooner. Looking back, all of that manic energy was in fact, exactly that. Manic energy!
Its not that my computer was conspiring againts me, foiling my best efforts to write. Yes, I have to type slowly and carefully. Ploddingly. But my task is to contain that energy, not to bitch and moan. And to not stay up all night pacing, itching, scratching, and complaining. I didn’t go to sleep until 3:00 AM. Up again at 5:30. Back to sleep up at 9. Awake at 11:00. Napped at 4:30. Awake again now at 8:00 PM.
Now, exhaused, I look back at the destruction I’ve caused. Not extreme destruction as I would have done in the past. But destruction nonetheless. I had an argument with my wife. A brief one. A quiet one. The exact words weren’t important. The tone was. I am committed to not raising my voice. I broke that commitment.
This may seem like a minor breach of cunduct. Raising my voice. Oooooo! But I have an enormous voice. I’ve sung professionally in a choir and I have a large sound. I like cabaret singers. Little, jazzy clubs like wine cellars, where every sound is like crystal.
But I’m doing my ‘Basso Profoundo’, ‘three baritones’ act. In a subway tunnel! Thank God my wife has learned stand her ground. I literally don’t know the effect I’m having on her. I’m a snorting bull. I used to be worse. The proof of that was that I did stop. I was crying. “I won’t be like this! I won’t be like this!” We were both crying. All because I was enjoying my high and unwilling to come down.
Well, I’ve done enough damage for one night. Tomorrow is another day. I will start anew, hopefully wiser. It is a daily struggle as we all know.
I want to conclude with a positive note. I want to. But I’m realizing that somethings are just what they are. I’ll do it again. And again. There’s a need for me to write a post or two about ‘grace’. But I’m just too tired to do it now.
Thinking about things that make loud sounds in the night, you’ll like this: