I have an admission to make. I’ve been playing. Not lying. Just playing. I’m avoiding taking the steps to make my life work. I’ve being doing the ‘Taxi Dog’ dance that has characterized my life for the last six to eight months.
At the beginning, I was really, really depressed. That would have been several years ago. I had just come off a 6 week hospitalization after knee surgery. I was in a nursing home. It was Bedlam. You know the Bedlem story? Bethlem Royal Hospital, London, was the first world’s first and oldest institution to specialize in mental illnesses. The name itself has come to mean chaos or madness,
The nursing home was like that. Senile old men and women, in soiled clothes, and overworked and under staffed LVN’s struggled, literally struggled, to keep order. Forget about taking care. The word was order.
I was flat on my back for the whole six weeks. Being paralyzed, I couldn’t turn in my bed. I have bed sores to prove it. The wound on my heel has taken 5 years to heal. I’m in a wheelchair now, but then I was more mobile. Six weeks. With no daylight; screaming, terminal, Alzheimer patients, all cramped up…I’m sorry. The image is too much to inflict on you.
Was I depressed? Does a bear shit in the woods? Fish cared for me. And my wife, of course. She got the worst of it. Well, I got the worst of it. But she got the worst of me. I was my own Bedlam. I was S-C-R-E-A-M-I-N-G! Fish got a psychiatrist friend to see me…the care in that place was so minimal. Somehow, my wife was able to stem my verbal attacks…and after I screamed, I calmed down. After a few days, I was in physical therapy, and at home on an I-V.
But I remember.
Now, my life is easy. Now; I just enjoy the ‘taxi dog’ life? But there’s work to be done. I’ve been looking for a new apartment. Rental are astronomical where I live and, although I’m doing all right, $2500 is a lot of money. Moving is a chore and the apartment has to be wheelchair friendly.
And then there are the small, but significant things. I’ve got to do my grad. school report. My checking account is in tatters. Other things that are eluding me now.
Acknowledging these things is all I can do now. No self blame. I know better that to do it. Just focus.
Look Into My Eyes:
Wouldn’t that be rich?!